Lost

A piece of me waits.
It waits somewhere else in a different place.
It calls to me often.
For me.

It does not understand why I have not come yet.
It does not understand why I stay where I am.

I desperately want to run there
So we can be together again
But I am scared.

Scared to go, scared to come,
Scared to find and scared to be lost again.

So I stay.
I stay here.
Lost.

This is a piece of prose by Marc Carver published in The Big Issue, Street Lights, 9-15 Nov 2009 edition taken from ABCtales.com

In every city and every town I visit I buy the Big Issue. I buy it to support the homeless but when I buy it I take time to linger and talk to the vendor. I ask them how they are today and how their situation is in general. If you go back to the same vendor week after week you'll hear their stories and I am pleased to say that for many of them it is a story of progress; of getting into a hostel, finding work again and eventually getting their lives back on track.

Take time this week to buy the Big Issue - if nothing else it is a great magazine, well written and easily digestible. If you can spare another few minutes to stop and listen to the vendor's story then even better.

Feedback or Criticism?

First of all, is there such a thing as 'constructive' criticism? I don't believe there is. The Dictionary description of the word CRITICISM is a noun either of 1. The act of criticising, especially adversely. 2. A critical comment or judgement.

So how to tell whether you are receiving or giving feedback or criticism? Feedback is descriptive, has no agenda, is non-judgemental and gives options for the receiver to act or not act in a way they feel appropriate.

Here is an example of a criticism:

I can see that whenever we deal with one another that you really can't be bothered and you are impatient to get away.

Here is the same observation as feedback:

I don't know if you are aware that when we met last week you answered your mobile three times and drummed your pen on the desk.

The second statement is a description and offers no interpretation or judgement.

In NLP, one of the pre-requisites, is that the meaning of communication is the response you get. A judgement or criticism even if labelled 'constructive' is likely to antagonise the person on the receiving end so stick to description or remember the wise words of Thumper's Dad (you'll need to watch Bambi again!) 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'!

Addictions and Self Awareness

I have always been accutely aware that many of my clients come to me for treatment for their addictions but they are requesting a conditional recovery. The condition is that we do not at any point go into the causes of that addiction. I have also noted that those clients who make the fullest recovery are those who are prepared to enter fully into the original or current pain and work on that as the focus of their therapy.

'Addiction involves leaving our bodies in a way that takes away self-awareness, helping us flee from what we are experiencing' Christine Caldwell, from Getting our Bodies Back - Recovery, Healing and Transformation through Body-Centred Psychotherapy)

We flee from our pain in many ways, some obvious, some subtle. Obvious addictions are alcohol, drugs, food but what about the other ways we take ourselves away from self-awareness? What about TV, Computer Games, even running or the gym? Check your intent in any of these activities - is it to do something mind numbing?

When I watch TV I know it is to zone out and not to think or feel anything. Not a problem if I do that as R&R for an hour a day but what about the couch potato lifestyle where the TV goes on in the morning and is not turned off until bedtime?

When I run I use it as a form of mindful medidation where I switch on all my senses and focus on each step and each moment. I do remember an evening when I was upset and I ran fast and hard to take away the pain. My intent was to not think or feel anything.

So what is the alternative to our addictions, our distractions, our crutches? To be there,fully present in the moment, to access the pain and feel it. To notice it and rather than avoid it, analyse it and really understand it. But we fear this process and avoid it. We want to remain strong, maybe not to cry or shout or scream, but which is the weaker? Feeling the pain or avoiding the pain?